M and I were talking last night about how our lives have changed so dramatically since N became stable, relatively speaking, on Zoloft.
"Enjoy it while it lasts," he says. He's always been kind of a glass-half-empty guy, too quick to cover up and protect himself by "I didn't think it would work out, anyway," or "I'm not even gonna get my hopes up."
I responded to him that I know very well a mood disorder, by definition, can't be stable forever, and there will be peaks and valleys. I also know very well that this Bipolar or depression or low serotonin, this mood disorder that's helped by the SSRI, is not this child's only challenge, and even on Zoloft, he still has difficulty. I know all that. But still, I WANT to . . . oh, not exactly pretend, per se. I want to let go of the fear and air of inevitability, stop protecting myself by not getting my hopes up, stop hedging my bets and allow myself to believe and enjoy this period for what it is, without worrying about the next plunge into the abyss, the next manic period or whatever. Why? Because it feels too good to relax, breathe, enjoy. I can't spend my entire life, or his entire childhood, miserable and shell-shocked, covering up in anticipation of the next blow. I have to be happy and carefree sometime; otherwise, I'll be the next one in the psych ward. (I'm being slightly facetious.) But really, that's exactly what I am doing: I am enjoying it while it lasts, truly---and for me, enjoying it means I'm not worrying about next year or next month, and I'm not holding myself in check. I want to believe, and I will enjoy thinking about that family camping trip that hovers in my imagination. I'll picture my kids sitting around a campfire eating s'mores and looking up at the constellations. I choose to.
Enjoying it while it lasts. Yes, I am--not in the sense M. meant by the statement, but enjoying it, nevertheless. I'm actually looking forward to the weekend. Thank you, Pfizer.
Friday, May 9, 2008
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2 comments:
Amelia, following your blog I have been happy to see how well things are going for your family. I say "enjoy it while you can" and dare to hope. Finding a solution to one aspect of a child's problem can often lead to success in other areas, so continue to build on these good times, and you'll be better able to cope if there's a bit of back slide down the track, Wishing you well
Thanks, Janine. Yes, I can see how one good things leads to another in this situation. We have more frequent positive interactions, less frequent negative ones, and over time, our relationship perhaps regains some of the closeness we used to enjoy. The attachment grows as we enjoy ourselves together more often. Normalcy (relatively speaking) feels awfully good.
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